Students who challenge our rules, speaking to adults like they don't really care are in the game of "I Can Wear You Down."  They know when they start this game that they have already won, because it is a no win game for the teacher, administrator or counselor. 

Sometimes the game looks like the student shrugging their shoulders a lot and saying, "I don't know", "I don't care" and sometimes it looks like a student laughing when they are being spoken to in a stern manner and should be taking the lecture seriously, then again, some play the game of "shock and awe" f-bombing an adult usually within ear shot of a peer.

The adult response is almost always:
A) frustration (especially at the shruggers who are an easy group to write off)
changing the original lecture to the "this isn't funny" lecture (equally ineffective as the first lecture, no matter what it was)
C) sending the student to the office with a referral (the "take your sorry attitude somewhere else" response eliminating all possibility of the teacher changing this pattern)
D) all of the above

The missing link in our understanding of 98% of these students is that they have already experienced plenty of adults who:
A) disappear on them
yell constantly at them
C) act more like teenagers than adults
D) give in when they run out of ideas, strategies, patience
E) all of the above

They can learn and they have.  They have learned that many adults just cannot be trusted.  Although school staff don't feel it is fair that they be judged by the actions (or inaction's) of parents and shouldn't be treated like the adults that have let them down, the truth remains that we usually fall into the losing trap of giving up on the difficult student because well, they're difficult and we're human - and it's understandable that we prefer to teach students who like us or at least respond to our expectations.

Sadly, these are the students who most need us to model that we can be trusted, that we are not just mindlessly demanding their compliance and attention but honestly want to share exciting new ideas and knowledge that they may use to build whatever future they see for themselves. 

These are the students who challenge us to be our most resilient, most patient, and most creative.  When we dig deep and refuse to let them wear us down, but show up ever day:
A) ready to build rapport, using humor to deflect their attempts to push us away
willing to listen and understand (not sympathize, but really hear them)
C) responding to their signals, but not reacting to their habits
D) differentiating, re-framing, interrupting the pattern
E) ALL of the ABOVE!
most challenging students will find that they enjoy attending the class, contribute before they realize they aren't being the annoying, cool guy, and relax because you are consistently trustworthy, but they'll probably say "he/she's cool" - code for, "I don't mess with this one."

We must remember, that for many of our struggling students, they do not have many, if any relationships with consistently trustworthy adults.  They have learned that if they throw up some shrugs, laughs and swear words, that most adults will react and turn on them.  This gives them cred with their peers, but more to the point, it proves to them what they already know: that most adults can be worn down and frustrated - and once they are, they give up trying, which takes all the pressure to respond and learn off the student.  Game won. 

But of course, we know that they really lost.  So my question is, why do we allow so many hollow victories? 

Don't kick them out.
Don't yell back.
Don't give in.

The swear words are not about you, they reflect their life.
The shrugs are not about you, they indicate loss for the richness of life, their life.
The laughs are hiding how angry they are and anger is always the acceptable emotion compared to sadness, their sadness.

Detention is an exercise in futility = ineffective.
Suspension is a gift from us to them.

Want to change the odds of this game?
Don't give in -
Don't give up.

Almost every one of these students will respond,
when we've proven we are not like the adults they already know.

From one of my favorite bloggers, Seth Godin:

The quickest way to get things done and make change

Not the easiest, but the quickest:

Don't demand authority.

Eagerly take responsibility.

Relentlessly give credit.

Consider that there may come a time when in order to move in a new direction towards purposeful work, the here and now work must be dissolved or diminished.  I don't mean literally obliterated, but rather that when a current path, job or relationship has too tight a grip on us, it can feel impossible to detach and step on to the new path. (Insert excuses we can't leave our job, town, or significant other here: ______________)

The act of detaching may seem contrived and easier said than done, but when we practice the art of detachment, it becomes easier to see what we are actually holding on to - or what is holding on to us.  Note here: usually what is holding on to us is actually still what we are attached to, such as praise, affection or the comfort of someone else making decisions for us.

We can use intentional detachment everyday, but it does take practice.  Why detach?  Because when we're in the events of a day, it can be difficult to really see, assess, feel the reality of our circumstances.  Have you ever felt after the fact, confused about why you keep allowing a co-worker to talk you into something you really don't want to do?  Been in a relationship that you know isn't right, but can't put your finger on why you should walk away?  In order to realize what is really going on, we may need to detach and examine what is really motivated our actions. 

For a few days, try writing down what close co-workers are saying to you and how you respond.  See if you can detect a pattern.  If you can't at first, it doesn't mean it's not there.  This is not an exercise to catch who is manipulating us, let's be clear, it's to shine the light on what we
respond to, what we allow to manipulate us.  Once we uncover a few of these tendencies, it becomes easier to spot what sends us into one of those "bad days" or worse yet, a bad year, decade, career!  Remember - no one is doing this to us, we are complicit.

Once we can detach and notice these tendencies in real time, the work of diminishing their hold on us begins, because it is not enough to just observe and detect, if we want to experience real change and live a purposeful life, we must ACT.  The hold of a job or relationship that is not in our best interest will release when we detach, detect and then make a different response.  Don't agree?  Say so.  Don't want to spend two more hours working after hours?  Go home.  Stack a few different choices up and everything will start to feel different.  Make decisions that move away from what we have always done and we find new opportunities and friendships emerge - new paths, better days, intentional clarity. 

Happy detaching

OK, well maybe not the future, but I'm back.  I've been writing other blogs, running meetings, directing a nonprofit . . . but I've missed writing here and I'm going to return to what I love: sharing perspectives with those interested in evolving, thinking beyond the surface experiences of a day and challenging ourselves to live a purposeful life.

I'm getting close to starting a new LLC and I'll write more about that in the future.  For those of you who stumbled on to my blog and were kind enough to leave a comment and share your thoughts, I thank you and apologize for being an absentee blogger.

Come back and visit -
Blessings,
Sharon

With 2010 just days away I imagine there will be plenty of people rethinking their goals, careers and direction.  It seems that facing the 1/1 of a year brings that out in us.  If working for YOU rather than someone else is on your New Year's radar, I have a good resource for you.  Earlier in the month I mentioned Steve Little's free survey to help identify your strengths.  If you didn't give that a try, you can still check it out here: Free Survey

I'm also going to recommend Steve's site and program.  There is plenty of FREE content on his site that is valuable and gets your mind focused on how to proceed.  You can read article, watch videos, listen to audio and participate in forum discussions.

If you are the least bit interested in running your own business, especially online, I encourage you to take a look at Steve's offer.  You get to try it for free and if you sign up to be a member, it's on sale for less than $30 a month right now.  Steve is on the up and up and he's constantly looking to share great ideas.  I will do the same and only share programs that I have tried myself and consider helpful.

Take a look HERE at Steve's info products and see what you think.  I hope if you are looking to work for YOU that this will be a helpful and inexpensive resource on your journey.

Happy New Year Everyone!
Sharon

PS - My book The DNA of Success Stories is on sale at my STORE for 50% off the list price.

A couple days ago I blogged about Steve Little's Entrepreneurial Strengths Survey.  Did you take it?  If not, you've got to check it out!

Try Steve's Free Survey 

I learned a few things about myself I had not thought of and they're making an enormous difference for me in terms of my productivity.  If you haven't tried the survey yet, I hope you will take a couple minutes right now. 

Once you complete it, Steve will send you your customized 24 page report detailing all of your strengths and weaknesses.

Already took your survey?  The following is also available through Steve's site:

• The difference between being an entrepreneur vs. proprietor
• How to find out if you are a Lifestyle Guru or a Growth Maven
• The 11 Golden Rules to running a successful business
• How to master what he calls “The Value Principle”
• How to discover your Entrepreneurial DNA®
• Plus much more.

You've got to check it out - it could be the start to a new and successful path!

What's My Perfect Business?

I'd appreciate your feedback about the value of the survey.  If you find it helpful, I hope you will send your friend's here so they can try it too.

To your success,
Sharon

Last spring I was led to a terrific resource that I want to share with you.  Steve Little runs a site packed with value and support to transition you to your perfect career.

He has created an excellent survey that tells you all about your individual entrepreneurial strengths.                                                     Then he teaches you how to leverage those strengths into the success you desire with a series of 20 fantastic video lessons.

And he's made it all available to you for fr*ee!

Check it out HERE

It only takes a minute to get your survey results but the insight you get is invaluable.  I have personally taken Steve's free survey, watched hours of free videos and completed his course (the course has a fee which is reasonable and worth it, but completely optional.)

Even if you're not looking to start a business, you may be surprised what you learn about yourself  - who knows, you might be closer to a new career than you think!  Remember, you define what SUCCESS is so why not start with a survey that helps paint your picture.

Let me know what you think:  Steve's Free Survey

Sharon

 

I subscribe to the Motivation 123 Website.  This is a recent article from author Jason Gracia. 

Years ago, before starting the Motivation123 Website, I had pockets full of plans and ideas. My mind was in a constant state of activity.  As for my reality, nothing ever changed. Nothing in my life went in the directions I had hoped for. It got to the point that I began to doubt whether or not a better life was even possible. Could I change?

Then, while paging through a magazine at the doctor's office, I came across a question, just a short team of words that gripped my attention.  It was simple--as most powerful truths are--but it made an immediate impact. And from that day I possessed a key to progress that has served me ever since.  Before we get to that answer, however, we need to pin down the problem.

The Killer - In a word, it's routine.

It's the pattern of living that, like molten lava, slowly crawls into adulthood, covering and consuming our hopes, dreams, and ambitions.  It's doing the same thing every day because that's what you've always done. It's a vicious circle of repeating actions and events that leads to nowhere.  The reason nothing was changing in my life was because I was stuck in a routine. Every day I followed the same basic outline of living: wake, work, sleep, repeat.  I had new ideas, to be sure, but my actions were old.  Then I was hit with the truth while waiting - for what seemed like weeks - in my doctor's waiting room.

At this point you might be thinking to yourself that the most important question to answer is 'What do I want?' If you don't yet have clearly defined goals, you're right.  For a series of insightful exercises designed to help you uncover the goals and life purpose that are right for you, visit:  http://www.motivation123.com/prd-gdc.html

The sad reality is that most people never realize what is happening until it's too late. That is the skill and cunning of habit and routine.  It wraps its arms around the minutes and hours of your life, distracting and luring you into autopilot, into a dazed mode of living.  All the while, the little time you have to construct your ideal experiences is being sucked away, stolen.

Routine is a murderer. It kills hope and the chance for change. It blinds us to the truth and with a scalpel cuts away our goals and ideas. Routine puts a hand in the face of growth and improvement, leaving room for nothing but the same. You need a way out of the routine. And for me, the way out came in the form of a question:

'If you continue to follow the same patterns, what are the chances you'll ever experience the things you want to do and ever become the person you hope to be?'

I read the sentence again. What would my chances be?  Things hadn't worked out so far, so why would doing the same thing result in anything different?

My Realization - I had my answer. My chances were none.

I would never do the things I had always thought about, never grow into the character I hoped for. If I followed the same routines, the same patterns, I could expect pretty much what I had been getting.  For some, this is the perfect scenario. But for me, I wanted more. I knew how much life had to offer and I wanted to dive in head first. I wanted to experience it all and live a life worth living again.

I looked around the office, looked at the people next to me. None of us would reach that place without a change in pattern. We were all trapped in a circle of habit.  This brings us face to face with a truth that most men and women would rather avoid.  It's relieving to let our goals live in 'someday.' We don't have to worry about never attaining them.  Instead, we can put them off and fool ourselves. 

'It will happen someday.' No, it won't.  The truth is, if you don't change your routine now, you will never reach those goals. You will never wake up to a life that matches the one in your mind. Never.  Don't hide from this. Accept it. Embrace it. Use it to smash through the chains of routine and drive you into a new way of life, into a new pattern of progress.

This is the first step. Realizing a change is needed is the beginning of something amazing - but it is only the beginning.  Would you like to continue the process?  If so, visit the address below. It will show you a new way to think about motivation - the key to changing
your patterns and your life.  Believe it or not, inner drive (that feeling that makes you want to get up and do what it takes) is a switch
that can be turned on and off at will.

All you need to know are six simple steps to make it happen. To discover what they are and to begin using them today, visit: http://www.motivation123.com/prd-tmm.html

Routine may be a killer, but it can only work in the shadows. Now that you know it's there, you can stop the damage, stop the patterns, and start something new.

My Best,
Jason M. Gracia
Founder & President
www.motivation123.com

I want to add that routine done in a conscious way to change behaviors that do not serve your goals can be positive.  I like that Jason identifies routine as a killer here - I would only add that it is usually unconscious  routine that sucks our time away.  I hope you enjoyed this guest post and will check out Jason's site.  sw

This is my own wake up call to keep up with this blog!  Of course, what we consistently do creates our reality, so we need to be sure that we are consistently doing what it is we actually want.  I want to connect to others who are interested in the process of success, personal growth and effective team-building.  I coach, consult and teach . . . and I'm working on adding blogger, so although the consistency is still a work in  progress, I'm a tenacious person and I'll be a (consistent) blogger soon enough.

Thanks for checking on my Success Blog and I hope you'll return soon. 

I also have a blog (which does have recent entries) on Education topics: Maestro Educator


Do you have a copy of The DNA of Success Stories yet?  It's a good read and I'm a co-author!  My chapter is called "Embrace Your Journey."  There are also chapters by Jack Zufelt, Jack Canfield and Brian  Tracy - big time, right?

You can order your copy here:  The DNA of Success Stories

So I am an advocate for peace, nonviolence and the elimination of nuclear weapons from our planet.  Although it was unexpected, I was pleased to see the Nobel Peace committee choose our President, not for what he has done, but for what he aspires to for all of us - Americans and everyone else who lives on the earth.  I consider this award a SUCCESSFUL sign for humans.  Below is the letter the President sent today to those who supported him at election time:

Sharon --

This morning, Michelle and I awoke to some surprising and humbling news. At 6 a.m., we received word that I'd been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize -- men and women who've inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace.

But I also know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes.

That is why I've said that I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations and all peoples to confront the common challenges of the 21st century. These challenges won't all be met during my presidency, or even my lifetime. But I know these challenges can be met so long as it's recognized that they will not be met by one person or one nation alone.

This award -- and the call to action that comes with it -- does not belong simply to me or my administration; it belongs to all people around the world who have fought for justice and for peace. And most of all, it belongs to you, the men and women of America, who have dared to hope and have worked so hard to make our world a little better.

So today we humbly recommit to the important work that we've begun together. I'm grateful that you've stood with me thus far, and I'm honored to continue our vital work in the years to come.

Thank you,
President Barack Obama

I know there are many  who do not support our current preseident's ideology, but I hope we can put aside our differing opinions for just a day and agree to aspire to a peaceful world where no child wakes to bombs or terror.  Peace